Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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