my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
