Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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