she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
