Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
