question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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