Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
