I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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