i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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