Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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