I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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