I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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