woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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