this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
