then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
