She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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