You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
