I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
