I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
