I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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