Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
