If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
