Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize