I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
