i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize