Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
