I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
