I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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