I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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