Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
