Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Pants 0. Shit 1.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
