You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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