filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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