Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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