I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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