He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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