wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
