Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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