Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
