as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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