i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
