TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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