Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
