P.S. I can't hear my feet
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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