nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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