i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
