My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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