when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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