I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
