so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
