I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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