You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
