i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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