i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
