you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
