my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
