I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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