Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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