I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
