if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
